Acceptance

In the past one of the most important things to me was acceptance, I wanted people to accept me for me, but who doesn’t?

I have doubted myself so much during life to the point where I know I’m my own worst enemy.

I applied for a job recently, and it is one that I doubt I will get, I’m still waiting to hear back and I am not even nervous.

During the interview I wasn’t nervous I just wanted to do it for myself to stop the what ifs occurring later.

I realised though afterwards that it didn’t even matter if I am not accepted for it because I am accepted in so many other ways.

Becoming a Mother for me has changed my life, and for the best I must add, for some reason, the only person I now hope to have acceptance from, now and forever is my Daughter Danielle.

I hope I will always be good enough for her. I know deep down I need to accept myself. Easier said than done though right?

I shall wait and see what my future has to offer, patience is key.

My business wish

I always wanted to work for myself, I never knew how I would do it but I wanted it! When I was in High School I decided I wanted to be a Restaurant owner. I had made a menu, a name (The Lonely Chicken) hehehe it’s funny now but it seemed good back then, I had drawn out the layout, worked out how many staff I would need and completed a Hospitality course.

After all of that I was at an age where I realised how long it would take and how much money it would take to complete my dream, it slowly disappeared year by year and now I am in insurance a complete new industry…Bizzare how things happen.

I now have a small business on the side called Gifts, Candles & More and it has been running for just over a year now, this one doesn’t require anywhere near the time or money to manage but my goodness it is just as hard, and in still building it up.

Everything came together and everything ran smoothly starting out but then I hit a wall, I couldnt work out how to promote my website or my business name so that a larger audience could find me and the products I am selling. What an adventure it has been so far though, it has been fun! 😀

I even rang a couple of different Marketing companies and they said I would be looking at $10-$15,000 for the year in Marketing costs to get their help, but gosh I just couldn’t afford to do that. I know you have to spend money to make money but that to me just seemed like such a lot.

I don’t plan to give up on my business, and it will one day work for me but it will take time, and I am well prepared for that.

As soon as you have found something that you really want to do, you will do nearly anything to get it to work, but you need to take your time and work out a business plan before you start, I wish I had done that before I rushed into things.

I wil carry on but at the same time I will remain business smart and cautious.

Watch this space 😊

Pages

With these pages I share my life, my darkest secrets I bring to life, but not just said, hidden in text, can you find them and make them fit?

Into my life my past and future, reality, dreams, fun and laughter.

Keep on reading these pages for more, find my secrets, they can’t be ignored.

Did you find one? Not in here, keep on reading, read to breathe, breathe to read.

Written by me 🙂

Life

A life is what you have given me, a family is what we have made, a flower I’ve decided is yours I have to name.

I wish we stay as close, as we have been so far, your smile when I see you is something of an art.

Poetry can be a lifestyle, that could be easy to make, but for now I have called this flower hope, to hope life loves you and I each day.

Written by me 🙂

Scared? Of what?

My life, my love, my friends, my family, my face, my body, does anything scare me? It’s not my friends, my face or my body, it must be my love that has transformed me. Will it get broken? Or will it get stolen? If someone chose to break my heart, I’d surely then fall apart.

Written by- Well me 😊

 The body battle

I can remember looking back on High School photos and I was always in these big hoodies or jackets that were a size or two too big.

Looking back then I should have been showing off my body as there was nothing wrong with me. And of course I mean showing off as in wearing clothes that fit.

After High School I moved to Christchurch there, the fun started. I was drinking, smoking and eating anything I wanted because I wasn’t at home anymore and I got to buy what I wanted.

Which of course was junk!

I slowly started to gain weight and then all of a sudden (well not really but it felt like it) I was overweight. I had topped 81kgs in a few years time.

Then of course I did need to hide behind my clothes, which I did. I never cared for diets I never liked the gym, food and alcohol were my friend.

I lost some weight, I gained some weight, I lost some weight, I gained some weight, it was a never ending battle.

Then I got pregnant! And my goodness I started to worry, I was already 71.4kgs (overweight) and I did not want to have an unhealthy pregnancy or baby.

I obviously stopped drinking anything that was bad for me and also cut out a lot of rubbish food and did not know that during pregnancy I was loosing weight but gaining a belly at the same time.

At full term I was 77.2kgs, and had a very healthy 7.1lb baby girl. With breastfeeding her the weight started to fall off and I realised I was a lot smaller than before I had even had her.

But I am healthy and that’s the most important. I am now 5 months post pregnancy and 61kg which is the lightest i have been in years. And I am so proud of myself.

It will stay off this time, and unlike a lot of people I can say that having a child is how I lost weight.Bizzare isn’t it 🙂 just goes to show that we are all different and our bodies are all different.

You can achieve anything you put your mind too.

Happy. Healthy. Free.

Advice from a parent

When I found out I was pregnant, and had time to let it settle in of course, I started to think of all the ways I could be a good Mum, a great Mum even. And I started writing a diary. I had no idea whether we were having a boy or a girl or whether they were going to read it, but I was writing it.

On reading it the other day well what I had written so far I had to have a wee giggle at the page I am going to share to everyone to what I thought and actually still think are the 15 most important things haha

So, on the 17th page, which was probably written middle of last year some time I write the below ’15 most important things

  1. You can always rely on family
  2. Don’t do anything stupid
  3. Get a form of education
  4. You are beautiful
  5. It’s nice to be beautiful, but it’s beautiful to be nice
  6. Love yourself
  7. Your say is most important
  8. Don’t use words like ‘gay’ or ‘retarded’ to say something negative
  9. Don’t be ‘cheap’ and don’t date someone who is ‘cheap’
  10. Don’t settle for less than you deserve
  11. Read, draw, paint or play music
  12. Find someone who makes you happy
  13. The universe will provide
  14. Travel! Travel! Travel!
  15. All vehicles are dangerous

We will see what Danielle thinks of these when she is older and gets around to reading her diary from Mum xo

The danger of words

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

“You’re fat.” “You’re ugly.” “Is that the best you can do?” “You suck.” “You’re stupid.” “You’re lazy.” “You know nothing.” These are all just words, but people have a tendancy to use them to hurt other people.

Do bullies bully because they were bullied or are they just self concious and it makes them feel better?

I was only bullied once, well to my face, and that was when I was in Intermediate. One of my parents decided to give me a mullet (hairstyle) yes it was years ago but why? Why didn’t people think I either didn’t know or had a problem with it? My parents obviously didn’t know it “wasn’t cool” but kids still chose to use it against me, maybe it was because they knew I didn’t like it? Maybe it was because it lowered my confidence so I was more vulnerable? But the teasing even though only verbal still hurt.

You hear so much negativity, and everyone has their judgements but do we really need to voice them? Probably not, but we do anyway.

Besides bullying I think the worst is actually liars, the people that tell lies knowing full well it’s just not true but not having enough respect to be honest to themselves let alone others. Why lie? Truthful conversations are so much more interesting and more productive. 

I look at my 5 month old girl and I wonder  how long I will be able to protect her for, how long she will believe me that she is great, will she come to me if she is bullied? Will she fall for what others think of her and try to be someone she is not to please others? How can I protect her from all of the insecure people out there?

Do I think she will be bullied? Well no of course not. But do I think others will find a part of her they don’t agree with and use it negatively?…probably.

The danger of words can end people’s lives, turn their day upside down, put them into hiding, make them fail when they didn’t need to, change the way they see themselves.

Why can’t we just be nice? Why can’t we accept each individual for who they are? Why do we think we have the right to put someone else down? The sad thing is, it will never stop.

Just live your life the way you want to, don’t let anyone tell you who or what you are, we all want respect and we all want to be accepted. So respect and accept everyone for who they are. And there may not be so much negativity. 

The Gift of Life

I use to be someone who wanted to live my life for myself, I didn’t want to have children and I was not worried if I didn’t settle down with anyone either.

The older I got, and the more my friends had families of their own I understood why people did it, they were so happy.

I come from a broken family, my parents are divorced, my sister is divorced, my Aunties and Uncles are divorced, there are family members I either have never met or only knew about and met in my mid twenties.

So as a broken family was all I knew, I thought well what’s the point, why would i want someone else to go through this heartache and confusion.

But, something happened, I got to an age where I couldn’t stop thinking about a family, I wanted to be the different one in my family, I wanted to show them that I could do it even though they couldn’t.

And when I met my now fiancé Richard, whose family is the complete opposite…a tight unit, I knew this would be just what I needed..a family man.

After being together for a while we decided to have our own bundle of joy, so we set out on our mission which believe it or not only took two months. Our beautiful Daughter Danielle was born Christmas Day 2015, which was her due date and she was perfect.

I never thought I would feel so strongly for another human being ever in my life, I always wondered about how new mothers explained it wondering if it was true, but it is, you fall in love instantly. Everything becomes worth it.

Everyday I look at her I feel like I have won, I have achieved my ultimate goal in life. I will continue to hold my promise to Danielle and to myself and most of all Richard, as now we are a family, and family are meant to stay together.

I am now complete.

The Beast

Recently someone close to me had an absolute melt down, one that no one ever expected, let alone themselves I’m sure. Depression? Anxiety? Sleep Deprivation? Feelings? They are all there.

Depression and Anxiety do go hand In hand and I think that when someone has to struggle with both, that it’s incredibly sad and unfair.

To be happy one hour or day then to snap the next does happen to the majority of us, but when you battle with the all mighty depression and/or Anxiety, you find yourself in mind sets you never thought possible.

This person explained “I just can’t believe how easy it was to plan and go ahead with” and “I just googled how much I would need for a drug overdose and I was set” this information is easily available, which I think is just terrifying, but you certainly can’t stop it!

So, when this dear person ended up in a Medically Induced Coma Unit, and I went in to visit I really wasn’t sure what to expect, would they be relieved they didn’t loose the battle to this monster? would they be sad they failed? And as I hoped not to hear, they were sad that their mission had failed.

Had they beaten the monster? Would the monster make them try again? No one had ever thought this day would be possible, yet here we are at their bed side waiting and watching hoping that strength would come back to their fight.

This weak, sad, defeated, lonely life.

We seem to take a lot for granted and we seem to miss a lot of signs but are we all capable of this kind of malicious act on ourselves? Of course we are, we are all human and some people are stronger than others. Respect and treat people the way you wish to be treated.