The L Word

Love? Life? Lifestyle? Label? Nope it’s Lies!
Before I get into this, I am still me, I am still strong, but I am tired!

My L word…Lies.

Why do we have the ability to lie? I get the cheesy ones, you know the ‘No, you can’t have that it will hurt you.’ ‘No, I can’t come I am ill.’ ‘No, I am to tired.’

But what about the ‘he said’ ‘she said’ kind of lies, the ones that people think will make them feel better or achieve more? Do people just not care about hurting other people? Are they really that much of a coward that they have to make up a silly story to make themselves feel better? To make them feel like they have achieved something? Does it make them feel better? Or does it make them sink a little deeper but they never realise?

I wish that the people I had around me didn’t lie. I wish that people could see that life is so easy, you can live life without lies, you just don’t need to lie to the point of hurting someone or getting yourself into trouble. Why lie and then work so hard not to slip up, to have to spend so much time trying to hide the lie with another lie so it doesn’t unravel…Gosh it’s draining just thinking about it!

I have heard enough lies this year alone from many different people, I have removed enough negative people from my life this year, but they will still keep coming(the lies), I have done nothing to these people, I have no energy for these people. 

I have a loving partner and a beautiful baby girl. My back should hurt from the tiredness from my little family of three, my head should hurt from the tiredness of my day to day schedule, but it doesn’t. My back and my head hurt because of the lies, because of the hurt they have caused. 

I am done…I am tired…I need to be left alone…I crave to be freed from all the negativity…but I just can’t seem to hide for long enough. 

Can’t shake this feeling!

I have always been quite a strong individual, I have always brushed things off, never held a grudge or had enemies, but I feel like I’m changing, I feel like I am becoming someone else.

Since I had my baby girl, for some reason I’m more sensitive to negativity. I want to build up walls to block out the negativity so she won’t get hurt, and so I won’t become affected.

Lately I experienced a new feeling, it was one of  positivity, negativity and nausea all at once, it felt confusing, it felt different but I didn’t mind it. I didn’t understand it it I didn’t mind it.

While sitting there knowing why I was feeling it and not knowing how to fix it, I left it, I didn’t go and distract myself, I didn’t cry or scream, I didn’t become negative or any happier, I just sat there numb, letting it take over me.

I am unsure to how long this feeling will last, I am unsure to where this feeling has come from within me or how my mind and body knew how to create it, I am unsure to what it is trying to tell me. What I do know is that I accept it and I trust it.

In the mean time the ugly situation and the ugly truth to which caused it, will remain in the background, no longer important, no longer drowning me, no longer dragging me down.

I feel like this might be an emotional break through, a break through I have been waiting for to allow myself to let go of the hurtful things and the negative things around me, around us.

We will see what I become. 

Mission Impossible?

Before I became pregnant, I thought to myself, ‘having a baby would just be fun, why do people talk so negatively about it? Why do people say parenting is hard? Surely it’s not!’

And then it was my turn! I had a really good pregnancy but still found it hard. The morning sickness was minimal, but the heart burn was horrendous, nothing worked.

Then when I had hit 32 weeks, I was scared to leave the house, not because of the ‘what if I go into labor while I’m out’, but because of the ‘every time I want to go out Danielle would take action on my bladder.’ So she won, I stayed home as much as I could.

After she was born my life had most certainly changed, more than I had anticipated. I was extremely tired all of the time, I had no time to read, if I did I was to tired, there was no time for movies, online shopping, making food that took time which I loved doing, it was ‘make a sandwich as fast as you can’, it was a mission.

Then there is the dreaded housework…you think to yourself ‘Ok, the other half is at work making the money, so I have to get this housework done so the house is tidy when he gets home’ haha what a joke! I can’t believe I thought I would still get so much done.

I planned all these fun things to make and sell while I was on parental leave and I got out a book and bookmark to start reading which has now been neglected on the coffee table for weeks now!

Last night was the first time in 5 months that we were able to watch a movie in its entirety, no distractions, and what an achievement, yes a silly one but it made me pretty happy. 😀

Now though, I can’t even remember what the extreme tiredness felt like, I can’t remember the taste of the simple sandwich I had made just so I knew I had eaten, I can’t remember the feeling of relief once I finally got a well deserved shower.

What I do remember and will always remember is that it was all worth it. 😊 Times are changing, Danielle is growing and everything is getting easier.

I love my life.