The pressures of writing.
When I began writing while in High School, it was for myself! A lonely blank journal waitng patiently to find out how I felt that day. Like it was my most trusted friend. It never judged me. It never reacted to me.
As I grew older, I learnt the value of communication. I knew my options were to either withdraw myself and become a loner or I could push myself to be the best person I could be.
I use to on occasion miss the school bus, because being by myself was easier than going to school to spend my day trying to work out what group I fitted into. I didn’t know who I was, so I didn’t know what I could offer anyone.
When I did go to school, I did get along with most people, I just found myself floating around a few different groups of people. I couldn’t settle for just one group of people like everyone else seemed to. To this day i still do not know why.
I wasn’t pushed out, I wasn’t hassled, I just didn’t know where I belonged.
When I left school and started working, the same thing happened. I talked to a lot of different people but I couldn’t properly connect with a particular person or one particular group, therefore work friends never really became out of work friends. I still to this day don’t know why.
I found though, the more I talked and the more I shared my past with people I learnt how to bond. I was no longer making small talk I was having real conversations, about feelings, personal preferences, desires, likes and dislikes, what grinds my gears and what makes me happy. And now, I have the ability to write what I feel, or what i iust want to write about.
I’m not scared about who might read it. I’m not scared about how people might judge me. I’m not scared about the possibility of people not liking what I write about. My mind is free, I am free, I no longer feel like a loner, I know where I belong and I know where I do not belong.
Therefore I write for me, but I also write for you.